1. Santa Claus: a jolly, fat man who wears red and white and employs little alien men to make toys at the North Pole, that place where Canadians live in igloos year-round, then gears up eight little flying reindeer, fills a sleigh with about six billion toys in one gigantic red bag, and spends the night invading every single house in the world where a kid lives, and never ever gets caught, arrested, booked, and sent down to do hard time, for breaking and entering.
2. Easter Bunny: loves eggs. Loves even more the anticipation of sneaking into hen houses and stealing about six billion eggs right out from under the pathetic little squawkers. Then he single-handedly paints them, or turns them into candy or solid chocolate or even hollowed-out eggs with chocolate shells. Tricky. Then he skips through the land carrying two billion baskets of beautiful and teeth-rotting eggs to all the girls and boys. He too never does time for break and enter.
3. Tooth Fairy: ewww. Must be a wannabee mortician. Male or female? Who knows in this day and age. Again, it flits through your house in the dead of night, looking for little teeth under little heads on little pillows. That should freak out any kid. But he or she always leaves something behind, preferably cash.
4. Sand Man: a freak who unloads the outdoor cat toilet box in your kid's eyes if they won't hurry up and go to sleep.
5. Boogie Man: like nasty spiderwebs and dirty dust, this creature lurks in closets, pockets, and under the bed of a kid's bedroom, and at night will scare the crap out of your kid if he doesn't shut up and go to sleep.
6. Jack Frost: a Canadian phenomenon where again, a fairy - a male one this time for sure, because his name is Jack - breaks into your house when you are sound asleep, and paints, with ice crystals, your coldest windows, usually the ones that face west of Alaska, the Bering Sea, and Russia. Pretty darned scary.
7. Man in the Moon: one giant, grinning face that leers down at your child on a summer night when the moon is full, and gives your kid the creeps for the rest of his life.
2. Easter Bunny: loves eggs. Loves even more the anticipation of sneaking into hen houses and stealing about six billion eggs right out from under the pathetic little squawkers. Then he single-handedly paints them, or turns them into candy or solid chocolate or even hollowed-out eggs with chocolate shells. Tricky. Then he skips through the land carrying two billion baskets of beautiful and teeth-rotting eggs to all the girls and boys. He too never does time for break and enter.
3. Tooth Fairy: ewww. Must be a wannabee mortician. Male or female? Who knows in this day and age. Again, it flits through your house in the dead of night, looking for little teeth under little heads on little pillows. That should freak out any kid. But he or she always leaves something behind, preferably cash.
4. Sand Man: a freak who unloads the outdoor cat toilet box in your kid's eyes if they won't hurry up and go to sleep.
5. Boogie Man: like nasty spiderwebs and dirty dust, this creature lurks in closets, pockets, and under the bed of a kid's bedroom, and at night will scare the crap out of your kid if he doesn't shut up and go to sleep.
6. Jack Frost: a Canadian phenomenon where again, a fairy - a male one this time for sure, because his name is Jack - breaks into your house when you are sound asleep, and paints, with ice crystals, your coldest windows, usually the ones that face west of Alaska, the Bering Sea, and Russia. Pretty darned scary.
7. Man in the Moon: one giant, grinning face that leers down at your child on a summer night when the moon is full, and gives your kid the creeps for the rest of his life.
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